A Taste of Neutrality
Sh*t.
And that’s how you define a dreadful situation.
It’s the same sh*t all over again. It’s eating me up, srsly. I tried fighting it and forgetting it yet at the end, my mind somehow finds its way to rub those facts to me. I want to stop. Now. As in, RIGHT NOW. I’m tired. Really tired. I thought I was past all of that. I thought that was behind me. I thought that was over. And here we are again. Here in this stupid situation all over again.
I’m tired. That’s all that I can think of. And I know that’s what I feel right now. I want to give up. I want to stop this already lost battle yet I don’t. That’s ironic. I feel really neutral. I want then don’t. Ohgahd! Kill me. Kill me now. -_-
I don’t know where am I here. Yeah, can someone tell me where the heck am I? I know where physically but emotionally, I feel thousands of miles away. I don’t know where to place myself. And yet, I somehow know where am I. Where is my position. And I’m just playing numb and innocent. I’m denying the truth. Pretty much.
It’s tiring. Very Tiring. And it hurts. Really hurts. And what’s worse is that I have to hold it back for a long time. I want to scream yet I know I don’t have the right. I want to defend myself. I know they think I’m the one to blame. I want to. I very much want to. It’s been like this for the past few years and I endured that.. and I don’t think I can anymore.
Yet.. who will believe me? Who will take my side? Who will see the truth without bias? I don’t know. It scares me to think that they’ll be laughing if I defend myself and tell my story. There would be someone who will believe and I will be thankful enough but I’m sorry, I think that would be not enough.
And that leaves me with the last option:
Run.
And pretend.
Sh*t!
How pathetic can I be???
I’ve said it for many times but I’m tired. I don’t think if I can hold on any longer. I want to give up. I want to end this misery. I want to end this choice that could never seem right even for a thousand lifetimes.
Yet I don’t want to. I want what I have. And though I feel tired of fighting for it, I know I will be happy if I will. I feel that it is worth it.
I just wish.. that things will not turn out the way things turned out before. I know I can’t bear that same pain for the second time.
And this remains NEUTRAL.
